Expanding Horizons IV: The Quickening

Wow, I haven't done a list like this in well over two years.  And now, the addition to the prior lists of movies and TV shows I never would have normally seen if it were not for Mike Nelson's RiffTrax (not counting tracks that are not out yet and short films):

  • The Lost Boys
  • The Boy in the Plastic Bubble
  • High School Musical
  • Jaws 3
  • Clash of the Titans (remake)
  • The Last Airbender
  • The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
  • Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny
  • Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
  • Birdemic: Shock and Terror
  • Highlander
  • The Karate Kid: Part III
  • Jurassic Park III
  • The Devil's Hand
  • The Galaxy Invader
  • Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
  • Laser Mission
  • Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
  • The Sons of Hercules: Land of Darkness
  • Warriors of the Wasteland
  • Buffalo Rider
  • Sherlock Holmes
  • Magic Christmas Tree
  • Ghosthouse
  • Rise of the Planet of the Apes
  • The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part I
  • Frankenstein Island
  • Mesa of Lost Women
  • Curse of Bigfoot
  • Jack the Giant Killer (original)
  • Mutant
  • Prisoners of the Lost Universe
  • Brainiac
  • Bloody Pit of Horror
  • Flatliners
  • Future Force
  • Neutron the Atomic Superman vs. the Death Robots
  • The Revenge of Doctor X
  • The Bermuda Triangle
  • The Expendables
  • The Guy from Harlem
  • Future Zone
  • Nightmare at Noon
  • Tourist Trap
  • McBain
  • When a Stranger Calls Back

And the latest cinematic atrocity that convinced me to write this list:

  • Cool as Ice (Yes, the Vanilla Ice movie.)

Now that's a lot of mostly crap.

Posted
AuthorJason Montgomery

Bee Mine

Today was Valentine's Day, and I don't do Valentine's Day.  If it were up to me, we'd bring it back to what it's supposed to be about: decapitating those who go against the church, as that's how Saint Valentine's story ended.  But being right after Ash Wednesday, it didn't seem appropriate.  (Easter's really early this year.  I blame global warming.)

Neither did it seem appropriate to wish my Twitter followers a Happy St. Valentine's Day, and link to this:

But I was reading Saint Valentine's Wikipedia article on the way to the office, and learned something I didn't know before: Saint Valentine is not just the patron saint of couples and love and greeting card companies, he's also the patron saint of beekeepers.  So being a smartass, I tweeted this:

But as the day went on, and after I regaled my coworkers with this little historical tidbit, I got thinking.  Maybe this is now the cynical and/or lonely can celebrate Valentine's Day.  By removing all the red hearts and roses and love and mush and all that, and turn the day into a celebration of the bee.  You could give honey, beeswax candles, eat honey-glazed ham, sing songs, women could wear beehive hairdos, the possibilities are endless.  Flowers are still permitted.

As this epiphany was on very short notice, on the way home tonight I bought Mom some honey in recognition of this new version of Valentine's Day.  And since romantic love is now factored out, I looked for Dad a sample bottle of Jack Daniel's Tennessee Honey, remembering that it was used on Epic Meal Time.  But the liquor store didn't have any in the small bottles, so I got one of the regular stuff instead.

I think this alternative version of Valentine's Day could catch on, like Festivus and Krampusnacht at Christmas.  Maybe next year, I'll go downtown the weekend before dressed up as a bee and hand out honey candies.  But with my luck, Mom will get a phone call from the cops.  And if they dispute that Saint Valentine is the patron saint of beekeepers, they can take it up with the Vatican.  Or Nicholas Cage.

So Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.  Now buzz off.  And coming from a bee, that's a good thing to say.

Posted
AuthorJason Montgomery

Enemies List

Today the Canada Post outlet at the Beddington Heights London Drugs made my enemies list.

I had a simple plan today.  Now that Canada has stopped using the penny, I wanted to put all of mine into the bank.  And I did.

But then, I had to go to the post office to mail out a DVD I sold on Amazon.  [ADVERTORIAL: Click here to buy my stuff!]  It was a single disc, nice and thin in a brand new Canada Post-brand bubble mailer.

The person at the desk said it wouldn't fall through the slot, so she wanted to charge me $20 to send it parcel rate.  That's more than what the disc sold for.  I told her to forget it, as I can send it letter rate at other post offices, and thought I could save it for Monday and drop it off at a post office near work.  But then she seemed surprised that I could send this stuff letter rate and not get it bounced back due to insufficient postage.  So she squeezed my bubble mailer to get some of their air out, and put it back into the demonic package width checking slot, but this time flap first and it fell right through.

So my total cost for postage came with tax to $2.31.  I gave her $2.35 in cash: a toonie, a quarter, and a dime as I knew with the new rounding rules in effect I wouldn't get anything back.

She gave me four pennies.  Despite this government "were phasing out the penny" sign in plain view.

So thank you.  Now I have four near-useless discs of zinc sitting in my coin jar until the day comes  I have enough coins of other denominations to make a roll for the bank.

So today the Canada Post outlet at the Beddington Heights London Drugs didn't just make my enemies list.  It's now dead to me too.

Posted
AuthorJason Montgomery

Happy Holidays

A Child's Christmas in Space

by Tom Servo

It's quiet in the cold of our own little orbit, starless and bible black.  And as I look down on the big blue beam we would call home I think it so near, yet... oh, I wish on that star and I hope that in a little snow-covered house with a warm hearth and a loving family, maybe some kid is looking up tonight and wishing upon us.  Oh, and how I hope sweet Santa will fly by tonight because if he does I'm gonna reach right out and hug that big guy.  Oh, for the sound of hooves against the steel hull of the ship.  Oh, to see the rosy face of Santa in the portal offering me a Coke and a smile... of course, his cheeks would be rosy because there's a vacuum out there, I mean Santa's heart would explode!  But he wouldn't feel it because the capillaries in his brain would pop like little firecrackers due to the blood boiling away in his face like pudding in a copper... OH THE HUMANITY!!  And his jolly old belly would start bubbling like a roasted marshmallow, eyes bulging and popping out... AND THE REINDEER--OH THE REINDEER!!!--keep floating like holiday floats and in turn exploding in a hail of blood and entrails!  Prancer: BOOM!  Dancer: BOOM!

Joel: HEY!
Crow: Tom!
Joel: Tom take it easy, Santa's gonna be okay, buddy.
Tom: You sure?
Joel: Yeah, give him a little credit, okay?
Tom: Phew, what a relief!

Posted
AuthorJason Montgomery

Jason's Snoeshoe Shuffle Stomp

Posted
AuthorJason Montgomery