From today's National Post, here are some New Year Resolutions that I can totally keep.
"Your family and friends are important to you, so you should hang out with them every chance you get. They can't talk about you behind your back if you're always there."
"Revolutionize the world by introducing the first-ever trainable cat."
"Create a fake scientific journal that rationalizes everything you love. Then you can cite Scientific Journal of Science 2008 when you want to eat 48 doughnuts one rainy afternoon."
"Eat 48 doughnuts."
"Do you realize how much money you waste on doughnuts? But a doughnut-making machine, dumbass."
